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This article was written by Gildas Garrec, CBT Psychopractitioner, from Psychologie et Sérénité.

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The Demanding Parent: When Parental Expectations Become a Burden for the Child

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Parental expectations can stimulate excellence — or crush a child under the weight of performance. Understanding the difference radically changes the support offered.

22 July 2026

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Parental expectations have a good reputation. They are often associated with ambition, achievement, and wanting the best for one's children. But when they exceed a certain threshold, or are not accompanied by sufficient warmth and support, they can produce the opposite of what they aim for: anxiety, paralysing perfectionism, permanent need for validation, fear of failure.

In the article that follows, I explore childhood wounds and their traces. If you recognise yourself in this theme, I designed a childhood trauma (ACE) test that helps you take stock of how your childhood still marks you today. It comes with a guide to extend your reflection beyond the results.

What expectations can produce that is positive

A certain level of expectation communicates to the child that adults believe in their abilities, that effort has value, that aiming high is possible. It can motivate, provide structure, and develop perseverance.

What tips expectations into toxic pressure

Conditional love

When the child feels that their parents' love is conditional on their results — that praise stops when grades drop, that parental disappointment is visible and lasting — expectation becomes a source of emotional insecurity. The child no longer works to learn: they work to not lose love.

Expectations disconnected from the child's profile

A child who struggles with maths faced with expectations of excellence in maths develops a chronic sense of inadequacy. Appropriate expectations take into account the child's real profile — their strengths, their vulnerabilities, their pace.

Comparison as a motivational lever

"Your brother could do it." Sibling or social comparison as a motivational lever generates resentment and a degraded self-image, never lasting motivation.

What helps

Calibrating expectations to the child's real profile, clearly separating results and personal worth, expressing disappointment without prolonging it, valuing effort and progress rather than raw results — these are adjustments that preserve the relationship while maintaining a reasonable level of expectation.

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