Why Young Men No Longer Have Friends (and What It Really Costs)

This article is part of the "Lost Boys" series -- a multi-part exploration of the silent crisis affecting a generation of young men. Read the founding article: The Lost Boys: Why a Generation of Young Men Is Giving Up in Silence.

1. The number that should alarm us

In 2021, the American Survey Center published a striking figure: 15% of young American men reported having no close friends. This figure has quintupled in thirty years. In France, the data is less granular, but trends converge: male loneliness is increasing rapidly, and striking earlier.

This is not a problem of introversion or personal preference. It is a silent epidemic whose health consequences -- physical and mental -- are comparable to those of smoking (Holt-Lunstad, 2015).

2. How we teach boys to be alone

Male loneliness is not a choice. It is the result of social learning that begins very early.

From childhood, boys receive implicit messages about male friendship. Girls are encouraged to confide, to talk about emotions, to build verbal intimacy. Boys learn a different version: friendship means doing things together -- playing, competing, sharing activities -- but not necessarily telling each other things.

This distinction, which researchers call the difference between expressive friendships (based on emotional sharing) and instrumental friendships (based on shared activities), is not problematic in itself. The problem arises when the activities stop -- and nothing remains.

Concretely: two 14-year-old boys who play video games together every evening have a "friendship." But if one of them goes through depression, a breakup, a bereavement -- the words are not there. The framework does not exist for that type of conversation. And the suffering boy finds himself alone, surrounded by people he "hangs out with" but to whom he cannot say anything.

3. Alexithymia: when you cannot name what you feel

A clinical concept particularly illuminates male loneliness: alexithymia -- literally, "the absence of words for emotions."

Alexithymia is not a pathology in the strict sense. It is a dimensional trait. And research consistently shows that men present, on average, higher alexithymia scores than women.

This is not because men feel less. It is because they have been less trained to identify, name and communicate what they feel. An 8-year-old boy who cries after a sports defeat is told "it is not a big deal, be strong." A girl the same age is more often asked: "what are you feeling?"

The result, in adulthood, is a man who knows perfectly well that he "is not doing well" -- but who is unable to specify whether he is sad, anxious, angry, frustrated, ashamed or exhausted. And when you cannot name what you feel, you cannot share it. And when you cannot share it, you remain alone with it.

Having trouble putting words to what you feel? The adult attachment test can help you understand your emotional mechanisms.

4. The closing window: the critical age

Sociology documents a temporal phenomenon well: the relational window for men progressively closes after age 25-30.

At university or early career, social contacts are still facilitated by structure: shared housing, parties, common projects, physical proximity. But as men enter adult life -- couple, work, fatherhood -- friendships are the first to be sacrificed.

Women experience this transition too, but they maintain friendships more often through verbal contact: messages, calls, conversations. Men, whose friendships rely more on shared activities, see their bonds thin as soon as the activities stop.

The result is what researchers call the male relational recession: by 40, many men have only one confidant -- their partner. This creates a masked emotional dependency: the entire emotional burden rests on one person, who eventually exhausts under the weight of a role she never asked for.

5. The consequences: far more than sadness

Chronic loneliness is not simply "sad." It is dangerous:

Physical health. Chronic loneliness increases cardiovascular disease risk by 29%, stroke risk by 32%, and mortality risk from all causes by 26% (Holt-Lunstad et al., 2015). Mental health. Loneliness is the primary risk factor for male depression. It is also strongly correlated with suicide -- and men account for nearly 75% of suicides in France. Radicalization. An often overlooked point: loneliness makes one vulnerable to radicalization. Extremist communities -- manosphere, supremacism, conspiracism -- thrive by offering a sense of belonging to men who find it nowhere else. Compensatory behaviors. Alcohol, excessive video games, pornography, workaholism -- strategies to fill the void without naming the problem. In CBT, these are called experiential avoidance behaviors.

6. Why men do not ask for help

A clinical data point summarizes the situation: men consult a mental health professional two to three times less than women. Not because they suffer less. Because asking for help is perceived as incompatible with masculinity.

In cognitive psychology, we identify here several dysfunctional beliefs:

• "I should be able to manage alone" (excessive self-sufficiency schema)


• "If I show I am not doing well, others will see me as weak" (emotional inhibition schema)


• "A man does not complain" (inflexible standards schema)


• "Nobody can understand what I am going through" (mistrust schema)

These beliefs are not character traits -- they are learned. And what has been learned can be unlearned.

Do you recognize yourself in these schemas? The Rosenberg Self-Esteem Test can be a first step toward better self-understanding.

7. Rebuilding: what works

The good news is that male loneliness is reversible. Effective interventions share common principles:

Men's groups. Formats like "Men's Sheds" (participatory workshops), male discussion circles, or non-mixed therapeutic groups show remarkable results. The principle: offering a space where men can do something together (build, cook, walk) while gradually learning to talk differently.

Shared activity is not an obstacle to intimacy -- it is a vehicle. Men open up more easily side by side (while walking, driving, working) than face to face. Designing spaces that respect this reality is far more effective than asking men to "talk like women."

Intergenerational mentoring. Connecting older men with younger ones benefits both: young men find a model and guide; older men find meaning and connection. Adapted therapy. Therapeutic approaches that work with men are often those that integrate a concrete, action-oriented dimension. CBT, with its structure, practical exercises and collaborative approach, is particularly suited. Men do not need to be "made to talk" -- they need a framework in which talking makes sense and leads somewhere. Digital at the service of connection. Not all online communities are toxic. Some -- support forums, moderated discussion groups, social connection apps -- offer a first step toward reconnection for men not ready to walk through the door of an in-person group.

8. What each person can do

For lonely men: recognize that loneliness is not a sign of weakness -- it is a signal that something is missing. Start small: reconnect with an old friend, join a club, an association, a class. The first step is the hardest, but the social brain is a muscle -- it reactivates when used. For fathers of boys: show them that friendship between men can include vulnerability. Talk about your own friends, your own relational difficulties. Normalize needing others. For partners: if you are your partner's only confidant, name it -- gently. "I feel like you have no one else to talk to, and that worries me for you" is more effective than "you should make friends." For society: let us stop treating male loneliness as an individual choice. It is a structural problem that calls for structural responses: dedicated spaces, funded programs, collective awareness.

Conclusion: loneliness is not a virtue

There exists, in masculine mythology, a glorification of solitude. The lone wolf. The strong man who needs no one. The impassive stoic.

It is a myth. And it is a myth that kills.

Human beings are social animals. The need for connection is not a weakness -- it is a fundamental biological need, as vital as food or sleep. When this need is not met, body and mind deteriorate. That is what the data shows. That is what clinical practice confirms. That is what millions of men live in silence.

The lost boys of this series are not lost because they are weak. They are lost because they were taught that strength means carrying the weight alone. And no one can carry alone indefinitely.

---

Sources:

• Centre for Social Justice, Lost Boys Report, March 2025
• Holt-Lunstad, J. et al. (2015). Loneliness and Social Isolation as Risk Factors for Mortality. Perspectives on Psychological Science
• American Survey Center (2021). The State of American Friendship
• Way, N. (2011). Deep Secrets: Boys' Friendships and the Crisis of Connection
• Levant, R.F. & Wong, Y.J. (2017). The Psychology of Men and Masculinities
• Scott Galloway & Logan Ury, The Diary Of A CEO -- Watch the episode on YouTube

---

Want to better understand your relational mechanisms?

• Adult attachment style test -- Identify your attachment profile
• Emotional dependency test -- Assess your level of relational dependency
• Rosenberg Self-Esteem Test -- Measure your self-esteem
• Analyze your couple conversations -- ScanMyLove, the relational analysis tool