When Sex Stops: How to Reconnect With Your Partner

"We love each other, but we're not making love anymore." I hear this sentence at least once a week in my Nantes practice. It usually comes after a long, embarrassed silence—often during a first consultation—like a confession that's been held back for months, sometimes years.

The sexless couple is one of the most persistent taboos of our time. In a society where sexuality is omnipresent (advertising, TV series, social media), admitting that you're no longer making love with your partner is experienced as an intimate failure, proof that "something is wrong."

And yet, the numbers tell a very different story: it's a massive phenomenon, growing, and doesn't necessarily predict the end of the relationship.

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What is a "Sexless Couple"?

The Clinical Definition

Contemporary sexology defines a "sexless couple" as a couple having fewer than 10 sexual encounters per year—less than one per month. This définition, proposed by sociologist Denise Donnelly (Georgia State University) and widely adopted in the literature, is a useful but imperfect benchmark.

Because the real criterion isn't frequency. It's suffering. A couple making love four times a year and doing fine doesn't have a "problem."

A couple making love twice a month where one partner is silently suffering does have a problem—even if the frequency seems "normal" statistically.

The Numbers in France

According to the 2023 IFOP survey:

• 24% of people in relationships have had no sexual relations in the past 12 months.
• 38% of couples together for more than 15 years report a frequency of less than once per month.
• 17% of couples have no form of intimate contact at all (no sex, no hugging, no prolonged kissing).

This last figure is the most concerning. Because while the absence of sexual relations proper can be compensated by other forms of physical intimacy, the complete disappearance of physical contact generally signals a deeper relational problem.

Key Takeaway: A sexless couple isn't necessarily a couple in danger. A couple where one partner silently suffers from the lack of sex is a couple in danger. The difference lies in communication, not in frequency.

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The 8 Most Common Causes

Cause 1: Chronic Stress and Mental Load

Chronic stress is the number-one libido killer in contemporary couples. Cortisol directly inhibits testosterone (in both sexes) and keeps the nervous system in "survival" mode—a mode incompatible with sexual desire, which requires a state of safety and relaxation.

Disproportionate mental load (often carried by women in heterosexual couples) is particularly destructive: the person managing family logistics constantly has no mental space left for desire.

Cause 2: Unspoken Resentments

Every swallowed frustration, every avoided conflict, every withheld complaint is another brick added to the invisible wall between partners. Sexual desire requires vulnerability—and vulnerability is impossible when you're armored with bitterness.

In my practice, I regularly notice that the "desire breakdown" is just the tip of an iceberg of unsaid things accumulated over years. Addressing sexuality without addressing communication is doomed to fail.

Cause 3: The Arrival of a Child

We explored this in our pillar article on couple sexuality: 67% of couples report a marked decline after birth. The causes are multiple—fatigue, hormones, body transformation, role confusion—and the topic deserves dedicated support. See our article on couple crisis after baby.

Cause 4: An Established and Unresolved Desire Gap

One partner desires more than the other. This gap is nearly universal in couples. The problem arises when it's neither recognized nor negotiated. The one who desires more feels rejected and stops initiating. The one who desires less feels guilty and avoids the subject. Both settle into a self-perpetuating silence.

Cause 5: Performance Anxiety

In men, an episode of erectile dysfunction can trigger a spiral of anxiety: the fear that "it won't work" causes exactly the dreaded result. In women, difficulty reaching orgasm can generate a sense of inadequacy. In both cases, performance anxiety transforms the marital bed into an exam room—and desire flees.

Cause 6: Dépression or Generalized Anxiety

Mood disorders massively impact libido. Dépression reduces desire at the source (anhedonia, fatigue, withdrawal). Generalized anxiety keeps the nervous system in hypervigilance, incompatible with the surrender that sexuality requires. Medications (particularly SSRIs) often worsen the problem.

Cause 7: Pornography Consumption as Substitute

When pornography replaces intimacy with your partner (rather than occasionally complementing it), it creates a lower-effort alternative that makes real sex seem less "necessary."

The real partner, with their imperfections, fatigue, and emotional needs, can't compete with the frictionless stimulation of porn. This mechanism is analyzed in detail in our article on pornography and relationships.

Cause 8: Identity Fusion

Some couples are so merged that they've lost all otherness. They share everything, do everything together, have no secrets. Yet desire needs a space of difference, an "other" to desire. As Esther Perel puts it: "Fire needs air. Too much closeness suffocates the flame."

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The Psychological Impact of the Sexless Couple

On the Partner Who Désires

The person who desires and is refused (explicitly or through tacit avoidance) experiences a form of repeated rejection that deeply impacts self-esteem. "They don't find me desirable anymore." "I'm not good enough." "Someone else would satisfy them better." These interpretations, often incorrect, settle in as beliefs.

Chronic sexual frustration can also transform into passive aggression, a search for validation outside the relationship (seduction outside the couple, emotional affairs), or depressive withdrawal.

On the Partner Who Doesn't Desire

The person who doesn't desire typically carries a crushing guilt. They feel their partner's suffering, they know they're the "cause," and they feel defective.

This guilt can push them to occasionally force themselves (creating long-term aversion) or avoid all physical contact for fear that "it might lead somewhere"—thus eliminating even hugs, kisses, and tenderness.

On the Couple

The absence of sexuality gradually creates a global physical distance: less contact, less touch, fewer looks. Bodies move apart. Sleep habits separate (twin beds, going to sleep at different times). The couple becomes an efficient logistical partnership but emotionally arid.

Key Takeaway: The absence of sex isn't the problem in itself. Silence about this absence is what's destructive. As long as the subject can be broached with honesty and without judgment, the couple has resources to evolve.

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How to Talk About It (Without It Turning Into Drama)

Timing

Never in bed. Never after a refusal. Never during a conflict. Choose a calm, neutral moment when you're neither tired nor stressed. A walk is often an excellent setting: walking side by side reduces the confrontation of face-to-face and facilitates difficult topics.

The Framework

Announce the subject without accusation: "I'd like us to talk about our intimacy. Not to blame you for anything—to understand where we both are and how we might move forward together."

The 4 Rules of Dialogue

1. Speak in "I," not "you." "I feel physically lonely" instead of "You never touch me anymore." 2. Listen without defending. When the other person speaks, your only goal is to understand their experience—not to justify yourself, correct them, or argue. 3. Validate the émotion, even if you don't share it. "I understand that my lack of desire causes you pain. It's not intentional and it weighs on me too." 4. Avoid ultimatums and comparisons. "If we don't make love, I'm leaving" or "My ex and I did it three times a week" are conversation-bomb sentences that shut dialogue down instantly.

What to Avoid

Don't search for a "culprit." A decline in desire is rarely one partner's fault. It's a systemic phenomenon where each behavior influences the other in a loop. Finding a responsible party means entering a game of blame that worsens the problem.

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6 Steps to Rekindle Intimacy

Step 1: Medical Checkup (Week 1)

Rule out biological causes. Hormone levels (testosterone, thyroid, prolactin), medication review, evaluation of chronic fatigue. It's not always "in your head."

Step 2: Émotional Cleansing (Weeks 2-6)

Before you can reconnect physically, you need to reconnect emotionally. Identify and express accumulated resentments, unspoken needs, disappointed expectations.

In CBT, we use a structured "bag emptying" exercise: each partner expresses, without interruption, their three major frustrations and three priority needs. The other listens without reacting, then paraphrases what they understood.

Step 3: Non-Sexual Physical Reconnection (Weeks 4-8)

Gradually reintroduce physical contact without sexual pressure. Hold hands, massage each other's shoulders, sleep cuddled together, run fingers through each other's hair. The goal is to separate touch from sexual obligation—because this association is often what made all physical contact anxiety-provoking.

Step 4: Adapted Sensate Focus (Weeks 8-12)

The Masters and Johnson exercise, adapted for the contemporary couple: sensory touch sessions with precise rules (no intercourse, alternating giver/receiver, exploring your partner's body with curiosity). This exercise defuses performance anxiety and reconnects partners with the pleasure of physical contact for its own sake.

Step 5: Desire Negotiation (Weeks 12-16)

Find realistic middle ground between each person's rhythms. Not a rigid "contract," but a flexible agreement: "Let's schedule an intimate moment once a week, with no obligation for intercourse. We'll see where it leads." Intention replaces spontaneity—and that's perfectly fine.

Step 6: Ongoing Maintenance (Ongoing)

Sexuality in a long-term couple doesn't maintain itself. It requires deliberate intention: maintaining dialogue, preserving time for just the two of you, protecting intimacy from intrusions (screens, children, work), continuing to seduce each other.

Key Takeaway: Rekindling intimacy in a sexless couple is a process, not a switch. It takes time, patience, and shared willingness. Couples who go through this ordeal and come out the other side often report deeper and more satisfying intimacy than before—because it has become conscious and intentional.

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Can a Couple Function Without Sex?

Yes—with one strict condition: both partners are in agreement with this arrangement. Some asexual couples or those with very low sexual activity are perfectly happy because their bond rests on other pillars of intimacy (intellectual, emotional, spiritual, non-sexual sensory).

The problem arises when there's asymmetry of suffering: one accommodates, the other withers. In this case, the absence of sex isn't a mutual choice—it's an imbalance that, left untreated, will erode the relationship from within.

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When to Seek Help

• The absence of sex has lasted more than 6 months and one of you is suffering.
• The topic of sexuality has become taboo or conflict-triggering.
• You're avoiding hugs, kisses, any physical contact.
• One partner is considering infidelity or leaving.
• You've tried talking about it alone but keep going in circles.

A CBT-trained psychotherapist specialized in couple therapy can intervene quickly to unblock the situation. The approach is pragmatic, structured, and respectful of each person's pace.

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Is your couple going through an intimate desert and you no longer know how to talk about it? Gildas Garrec, CBT psychotherapist in Nantes, works with couples and individuals facing this issue. The approach is concrete, compassionate, and non-judgmental. Because the hardest part isn't rekindling desire—it's daring to talk about it. Schedule a first consultation

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Sources and References:** – IFOP (2023). Les Francais et la sexualite. Enquête nationale.

– Donnelly, D. A. (1993). Sexually Inactive Marriages. Journal of Sex Research, 30(2), 171-179.

– Nagoski, E. (2015). Come As You Are.**

Simon & Schuster.

– Perel, E. (2006). Mating in Captivity. HarperCollins.

– Masters, W. H., & Johnson, V. E. (1970). Human Sexual Inadequacy. Little, Brown.

– McCarthy, B., & McCarthy, E. (2003). Rekindling Desire. Brunner-Routledge.

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Related Articles:

– Couple Sexuality: Understanding Sexual Recession and Rekindling Desire

– Low Libido in Women: Understanding and Taking Action

– Pornography and Couples: When Images Come Between Partners

– Couple Crisis After Baby

Also Read

• Couple Sexuality: Understanding Sexual Recession and Rekindling Desire (CBT Guide 2026)
• Low Libido in Women: 9 Causes and Concrete Solutions (CBT Guide 2026)
• Pornography and Couples: When Images Come Between Partners (CBT Guide 2026)
• Do I Need a Therapist? 10 Telltale Signs

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Watch: Go Further

To deepen the concepts discussed in this article, we recommend this video:

Rethinking Infidelity - Esther Perel | TEDTED