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This article was written by Gildas Garrec, CBT Psychotherapist, from Psychologie et Sérénité.

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Why You're Stuck in Relationship Limbo (And How to Escape)

Gildas Garrec—CBT Psychotherapist—1 November 2025

12 min read

You see each other regularly. You sleep together. You message every day. And yet, when someone asks if you're in a relationship, you don't know what to say.

Neither in a relationship, nor single. Neither commitment nor breakup. A permanent in-between that generates a dull anxiety, chronic uncertainty, and ultimately, a silent erosion of self-esteem.

Welcome to the situationship—the relational phenomenon most searched by 20-35 year-olds in France and the English-speaking world. Between 3,000 and 6,000 monthly Google searches in France alone, and millions globally. This isn't a trendy term: it's a reflection of massive relational reality.

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I'm Gildas Garrec, a CBT psychotherapist specializing in CBT therapy in Nantes, and situationship has become one of the most frequent reasons for consultation among young adults I work with. Not because they're "too sensitive" or "too demanding," but because this relational configuration activates powerful psychological mechanisms they're often unaware of.

What exactly is a situationship?

A situationship refers to a romantic and/or sexual relationship that functions like a couple without bearing the name or assuming the commitments.

There is physical intimacy, complicity, sometimes deep affection, but no explicit définition of the relationship's status. No "we're together." No introduction to loved ones. No shared projects.

The term entered common vocabulary around 2018-2019, driven by social media and dating apps. But the phenomenon existed long before: psychologists spoke of "ambiguous relationships" or "quasi-relationships." What changed is the scale of the phenomenon and its normalization.

Why it became the norm

Several factors converge to explain the generalization of situationships:

Dating applications. They've created an environment where options seem infinite. Why commit to one person when the next is a swipe away? Dating apps structurally maintain the illusion of "always better," making commitment with one person counterintuitive. Fear of commitment. Surveys by the American Psychological Association (2023) show that millennials and Gen Z delay romantic commitment the same way they delay home purchases or parenthood: as a precaution, from fear of making a mistake, from a desire to "enjoy freedom."

The problem is this precaution often transforms into avoidance.

"No label" culture. Social media popularized the idea that putting a label on a relationship is restrictive, outdated, even "toxic." "We don't need labels" became a mantra.

But behind this apparent liberation often lies asymmetry: one person doesn't want a label because the absence of one allows them not to be accountable.

Normalization of ambiguity. When everyone around you lives in undefined relationships, the situation seems normal. The conformity effect (Asch, 1951) operates fully: if all my friends are in situationships, then it's the norm, and asking for more would be "too much."

The 7 signs you're in a situationship

The difficulty of situationships lies in their ambiguity. You can be in one without knowing—or knowing without wanting to admit it. Here are the most reliable indicators.

1. You can't define the relationship in one sentence

If you're incapable of simply answering "are you with someone?" that's the first signal. Typical responses: "it's complicated," "we see each other, but it's not official," "we haven't put a label on it." The inability to name the relationship reflects the inability to define it.

2. Plans never extend beyond the current week

You make plans for the weekend, never for next month. No vacations together, no family events, no "what if we…" The temporality of situationship is the immediate present. The future is systematically sidestepped.

3. Social media remains compartmentalized

No photos together. No tags. No mentions. You exist in the other person's life, but not in their social showcase. This dissociation between private reality and public image is a classic marker: the relationship exists in the shadows.

4. The "what are we?" conversation is avoided or deflected

Every attempt to address the nature of the relationship hits evasion: "why do we need to put a word on it?", "aren't we fine like this?", "I don't want drama." It's not that the other person refuses to define the relationship—it's that they refuse to discuss it.

5. Investment is asymmetrical

One texts more than the other. One organizes outings. One talks about the other to friends. One thinks about the other constantly. Asymmetrical emotional investment is the signature of situationship: the two people aren't living the same relationship.

6. Exclusivity is neither requested nor guaranteed

You don't know if the other person is seeing anyone else. You don't dare ask. And if you do ask, the answer is vague: "I'm not with anyone else right now" (which isn't the same as "I'm with you"). Unassumed exclusivity maintains permanent insecurity.

7. You feel you "don't have the right" to express your needs

Since the relationship has no name, you feel you don't have the legitimacy to express jealousy, frustration, or need for clarity. "We're not together, so I don't have the right to say this hurts me." This reasoning is a major cognitive trap.

The psychological impact of situationship

Situationship isn't harmless. Its toxicity is insidious precisely because it's not spectacular. There are no shouting matches, no violent breakup, no "turning point moment." There's gradual erosion.

Chronic anxiety

The lack of définition generates a state of permanent hypervigilance. Every message analyzed, every response delay interpreted, every missed "goodnight" transformed into proof of disinterest. Relational uncertainty activates the brain's alert system continuously.

A study by Shallcross et al. (2020) showed that relational ambiguity is associated with anxiety levels comparable to those observed in people going through breakups.

Rumination

"Does he/she care about me? Am I good enough? Will this evolve? Should I leave?" These thoughts loop endlessly, consuming considerable cognitive energy. Rumination is one of the central mechanisms identified by CBT in maintaining anxiety and dépression.

Self-devaluation

When someone refuses to commit to you, the brain produces an automatic interpretation: "it's because I'm not good enough." This cognitive distortion—personalization—is particularly active in situationships. The other's lack of commitment is experienced as a verdict on your own worth.

Loss of trust in your own perceptions

After repeatedly hearing "you're making things up," "we never said we were together," "you're taking this too seriously," the person eventually doubts their own feelings.

This repeated emotional invalidation can resemble passive gaslighting: it erodes the ability to trust your own judgment.

Why you stay in a situationship

If situationship causes suffering, why not simply leave? Because two opposite fears neutralize each other.

Fear of commitment

The person refusing to define the relationship is usually motivated by a fear of commitment—often linked to an avoidant attachment style. Committing means risking loss of autonomy, suffering, disappointment. The blur is a comfort zone: enough connection to not feel alone, not enough commitment to feel trapped.

Fear of loneliness

The person accepting the situation despite their suffering is usually motivated by fear of loneliness or abandonment—often linked to an anxious attachment style. Staying in the blur, even painfully, seems preferable to emptiness. The unconscious logic is: "some attention is better than no attention at all."

The double trap

Situationship is a double-bottomed trap. One doesn't commit from fear of commitment. The other doesn't leave from fear of loneliness. Both maintain themselves mutually in a configuration that fully satisfies neither. This is the anxious-avoidant dynamic in its purest form.

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The link to attachment styles

Attachment theory, developed by John Bowlby and enriched by Mary Ainsworth, then by Hazan and Shaver's research (1987) on adult attachment, directly illuminates situationship dynamics.

Anxious attachment: the one who stays

People with anxious attachment tend to stay in situationships despite suffering. Their hyperactive attachment system pushes them to seek proximity at all costs. The idea of losing the bond, even a fragile and painful one, is more terrifying than the suffering it generates. They interpret scraps of attention as proof of love and minimize signs of indifference.

Avoidant attachment: the one who maintains the blur

People with avoidant attachment are often those who initiate or maintain situationship. The blur suits them: it offers connection without true intimacy.

They're not necessarily malicious—they're often sincère when they say "I appreciate you, but I'm not ready." The problem is that "not ready" can last indefinitely if nothing disrupts the balance.

The vicious cycle

The more the anxious person seeks clarity, the more the avoidant retreats. The more the avoidant retreats, the more the anxious insists. This pursuit-withdrawal cycle is one of the most documented relational patterns in couple psychology (Johnson, 2008).

Situationship is ideal terrain for this cycle because it never provides enough security to calm the anxious person or enough distance to satisfy the avoidant person.

How to get out: a concrete protocol

Getting out of a situationship doesn't necessarily mean leaving the person. It means getting out of ambiguity—in one direction or another.

Step 1: Ask the question

The conversation you're avoiding is exactly the one you need to have.

Not "what are we?" (too vague), but a more precise formulation: "I'd like to know if you envision building a couple relationship together, or if that's not something you want." This question deserves a clear answer. If the answer is an evasion, that's an answer in itself.

Step 2: Accept the answer

This is the hardest step. When someone says "I don't know what I want," it usually means: "I don't want what you want, but I don't want to lose you." CBT teaches distinguishing facts from interpretations.

Facts: this person isn't committing. Interpretation: "but maybe if I wait a bit longer…" The interpretation isn't a fact.

Step 3: Protect your boundaries

If the answer doesn't match your needs, you have the right—and responsibility to yourself—to set a boundary. "I need a defined relationship to feel secure. If that's not what you can offer me, I'd prefer we stop." This is neither an ultimatum nor manipulation. It's the expression of a fundamental need.

Step 4: Resist relapse

After ending a situationship, the temptation to return is strong—especially if the other person returns with an affectionate message weeks later (zombieing).

CBT identifies this as intermittent reinforcement: the brain, craving the dopamine associated with the relationship, seizes on any crumb. Having identified this mechanism beforehand allows you not to succumb.

CBT Exercise: The 3-month question

This exercise is simple but devastatingly effective. Take a piece of paper and write the following question:

"In 3 months, if nothing changes in this relationship, will I be happy?"

Answer honestly. Not what you hope. Not what you wish. What will actually happen if nothing changes. Because in a situationship, nothing changes. Ambiguity doesn't spontaneously evolve toward clarity. The avoidant doesn't miraculously become committed. Waiting isn't a strategy.

If the answer is "no," then you have your answer. The pain of leaving is intense but temporary. The pain of staying is dull but chronic.

CBT has a concept for this: short-term distress tolerance for long-term benefit. It's one of the hardest lessons to learn, but also one of the most liberating.

Situationship isn't failure

If you're in a situationship or leaving one, it's not a sign of weakness or poor judgment. It's a sign that you're a human being with a need for connection, evolving in a relational environment that paradoxically makes this connection harder to obtain.

Situationship is the product of a system—apps, social norms, blur culture—and individual vulnerabilities—attachment styles, past wounds, cognitive patterns. Understanding these mechanisms doesn't solve everything, but it allows making conscious choices rather than imposed ones.

Key takeaways

Situationship is a relationship that functions like a couple without assuming the status, generating chronic ambiguity.
The 7 main signs: inability to define the relationship, absence of future plans, social compartmentalization, avoidance of clarifying conversations, asymmetrical investment, non-guaranteed exclusivity, feeling illegitimate to express needs.
The psychological impact is real: chronic anxiety, ruminations, self-devaluation, loss of self-confidence.
The dynamic often rests on anxious-avoidant complementarity: one stays from fear of loneliness, the other maintains blur from fear of commitment.
Getting out involves asking the question, accepting the answer, protecting boundaries, and resisting relapse.
The 3-month exercise allows moving from passive hope to confronting reality.

If you're in a situationship causing you suffering, or if you're leaving this type of relationship wondering why you always attract fuzzy configurations, therapeutic support can help you understand your patterns and build clearer relationships. The Love Coach Program specifically addresses these dynamics. You can also schedule an appointment for an individual consultation in Nantes or via video call.

Internal links:

– Dating apps in 2026: how dating apps affect your mental health

– Anxious-avoidant couples: the trap of the most frequent toxic relationship

– Ghosting and Breadcrumbing: new toxic behaviors

– Avoidant attachment: understanding it to better live your relationships

– Love Coach Program

– Contact me