Our Children Are Wonders: Marquet, parental CBT and transforming connection

Step 2 — The Psyche (relational). After daring to listen to deep desires (previous article), the question becomes: how does this authentic "I" meet others, especially our children? Denis Marquet, in Our Children Are Wonders (Seuil, 2006), proposes a thesis that marked French parenting: our children aren't projects to shape but beings to welcome. This deeply humanist posture overlaps with what developmental CBT has formalized scientifically.

The perspective reversal

In Western tradition, the child is often seen as a being "to educate," civilize, fill. Marquet inverts: the child arrives already with their own inner world, intelligence, sensitivity. Parents' role isn't to manufacture them, but to offer conditions for them to unfold.

This posture isn't naive: it excludes neither framework nor firmness. It simply displaces the center of gravity: from parent mastery to parent presence.

What CBT and neuroscience confirm

Attachment theory (Bowlby)

The first 1000 days are decisive. A child receiving reliable, attuned responses to emotional needs develops secure attachment — predictor of adult mental health. Marquet, without naming attachment, describes exactly this parental inner availability.

Emotional co-regulation

Before 7-8 years, the child's prefrontal cortex is immature. They cannot regulate alone. They need an emotionally stable adult lending their nervous system. This function — central in parental CBT — is what Marquet calls "transforming presence."

Self-efficacy (Bandura)

A child who is seen, welcomed, respected builds the conviction: "I can." This self-efficacy is the engine of all adult psychological health.

The trap: confusing kindness with permissiveness

Marquet insists — and CBT confirms — welcoming emotions is NOT the absence of limits. Both coexist:

• Validate emotion: "you're really angry because you wanted to keep playing"


• Maintain framework: "and we still put toys away before dinner"

One generation of parents confused listening with laxity. Result: child-kings, anxious, unable to handle frustration. Marquet never advocates this.

The 4 parental CBT competencies

1. Recognize emotion without judgment

Name what the child feels: "you're scared," "you're sad," "you're frustrated." Naming doesn't validate behavior — it welcomes feeling. Foundation of future emotional intelligence.

2. Welcome without giving in

The double message "I understand what you feel + here's the rule" builds inner security.

3. Co-regulate through presence

A panicked or angry parent can't calm their child. The child needs a regulated adult — hence importance of self-work before child-work.

4. Repair after failure

No parent is perfect. Crises where you yell, lose patience, hurt — exist. Repair is powerful: "I yelled earlier, I was overwhelmed, that was unfair. You're not responsible for my fatigue. Sorry." The child learns bonds can be repaired.

Relational psyche builds in these moments

Each parent-child interaction is a brick of adult psyche. Hence Marquet's calling children "wonders": not naive praise but recognition that what we offer in early years literally models their brain.

The imperfect parent is also a wonder

Parents are themselves wounded children grown up. We can't offer what we haven't received — unless we work on ourselves, in therapy or reflection. The parent who undertakes this journey transforms the transgenerational chain.

That's why parental CBT often starts with a session on the parent, not the child.

When to consult?

For the parent:

• Parental burnout (exhaustion, detachment)


• Repetitive crises overwhelming you


• Excessive self-criticism as parent


• Parental conflicts around education

For the child (via child psych or child CBT):

• Persistent behavioral disorders (>6 months)


• Invasive anxiety


• Unexplained school difficulties

Takeaway

Marquet and parental CBT say the same thing in two languages: the child is a complete person needing to be met, not manufactured. This meeting builds or doesn't build the relational psyche they'll carry all their life.

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Next article: Loving to Infinity — step 3: from Psyche to Spirituality.