Is Your Attachment Becoming More Secure? 22 Markers of Progress

In our quest for well-being and fulfilling relationships, we all aspire, consciously or not, to emotional security. This deep aspiration is at the heart of attachment theory, a fundamental concept in psychology that sheds light on how we interact with others and ourselves. But is attachment a fate sealed in our childhood? Or is it possible to evolve it toward a more secure form, even in adulthood?

As a CBT psychopractitioner, I observe daily my patients' ability to transform their relational patterns. It is a demanding but deeply liberating journey. This article will explore not only the foundations of attachment, but also the concrete markers of this progression toward security. We will see how a targeted 22-question test can help you assess where you stand on this essential path.

Understanding Attachment: The Foundations (John Bowlby)

Attachment theory, initiated by British psychiatrist and psychoanalyst John Bowlby, posits that humans are biologically programmed to form close bonds with their primary attachment figures (usually parents). These early bonds shape our "internal working models" — cognitive and emotional patterns that guide our expectations and behaviors in future relationships.

Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth identified several main attachment styles:

* Secure Attachment: Characterized by self-confidence and trust in others. People with secure attachment feel comfortable with intimacy and autonomy. They know how to ask for help and offer support, manage their emotions well, and communicate effectively.
* Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment: Individuals tend to be preoccupied with the fear of abandonment. They seek excessive intimacy, are often jealous, demand a lot of reassurance, and can be emotionally intense.
* Avoidant-Dismissing Attachment: Characterized by great independence and discomfort with intimacy. Avoidant people tend to suppress their emotions, minimize the importance of relationships, and appear distant.
* Disorganized Attachment: Often linked to traumatic or inconsistent childhood experiences. Individuals may show contradictory behaviors, alternating between seeking intimacy and rejection, with great difficulty regulating their emotions and relationships.

These styles, while deeply rooted, are not definitive verdicts.

Attachment Is Not Fate: The Path to Earned Security

One of the most encouraging discoveries of modern psychology is that attachment is not fixed. The concept of "earned secure attachment", popularized by researchers like Main and Hesse, demonstrates that individuals who had insecure attachment experiences in childhood can develop secure attachment in adulthood. This process often involves awareness, personal work, and sometimes therapeutic support.

Why is this evolution crucial? Secure attachment is strongly correlated with:
* Better mental health (less anxiety, depression).
* More stable and satisfying relationships, as shown in John Gottman's work on couples.
* Better emotional regulation.
* Greater resilience to stress.
* An increased sense of general well-being.

Recent studies, including meta-analyses from 2020-2024, continue to confirm the plasticity of attachment. They highlight that targeted interventions, whether therapeutic or self-directed, can significantly modify internal working models and foster earned security. Self-awareness and the willingness to revisit past experiences are pillars of this transformation.

The Markers of Progress: What Indicates Evolution?

How do you know if you are progressing toward more secure attachment? Here are concrete markers found in people on the path to earned security:

Improved Emotional Regulation: Less impulsive reactivity, a better ability to identify and manage your emotions (anger, anxiety, sadness) without letting them overwhelm you or push you into destructive behaviors. You can feel intense emotions without it destabilizing your entire day or relationships.

Assertive and Authentic Communication: You express your needs, desires, and limits clearly, respectfully, and directly, without aggression or passivity. You dare to be vulnerable and share your true feelings. Gottman's research, for example, highlights the importance of constructive communication in lasting relationships.

Ability to Set Healthy Limits: You know how to say "no" when necessary, protect your personal space and energy, and respect others' limits. You understand that intimacy does not mean fusion.

Increased Self-Confidence and Self-Esteem: You no longer depend as much on external validation. You feel worthy of love and respect, regardless of others' approval. This work is often at the heart of Young's schema therapy, which aims to heal schemas of deprivation and defectiveness.

Less Fear of Abandonment or Intimacy: Anxiety linked to losing the other diminishes, as does the tendency to flee deep emotional closeness. You are more comfortable with proximity and separation.

Ability to Trust: You can trust others appropriately, without falling into naivety or excessive suspicion. You learn to assess people's reliability.

Constructive Conflict Resolution: Disagreements are seen as opportunities for growth rather than threats. You seek mutually acceptable solutions and can reconcile after an argument.

Balanced Independence and Interdependence: You value your autonomy while being able to lean on others and offer them your support. You find a balance between being alone and being connected.

Empathy and Understanding of Others: You better put yourself in others' shoes, understand their perspectives and emotions, enriching your interactions.

Less Repetition of Negative Patterns: You identify and break the self-destructive relational behavior cycles that repeated in the past.

These markers don't develop overnight, but observing them allows you to measure significant progress.

The Role of Psychological Tests in Assessment

Psychological tests are valuable tools to become aware of our attachment patterns and assess our progress. Instruments like the ECR-R (Experiences in Close Relationships – Revised) are specifically designed to measure anxiety and avoidance in intimate relationships, giving insight into your adult attachment style.

Other tests, although not directly tied to attachment, can provide complementary information. For example, evaluations based on the Big Five model (Openness, Conscientiousness, Extraversion, Agreeableness, Neuroticism) can shed light on certain personality traits that influence your relationships. Tools like DISC can help you better understand your communication and interaction styles, key elements in attachment dynamics.

A 22-question test, like the one we offer, is designed to specifically assess the progress markers toward secure attachment we just described. It offers you an opportunity for structured reflection on your behaviors, thoughts, and emotions in your current relationships.

Take our psychological tests

Practical Tips to Foster Secure Attachment

Whether you've identified insecure attachment or simply want to strengthen your emotional security, here are concrete paths:

Self-Observation and Reflection: Keep a journal to note your emotional reactions, thoughts, and behaviors in your relationships. Identify recurring patterns.

Develop Mindfulness: Mindfulness helps you observe your emotions and thoughts without judgment, creating space for a more thoughtful response rather than an automatic reaction.

Practice Assertive Communication: Train yourself to express your needs and limits in low-stakes situations, then apply these skills in more meaningful relationships.

Seek Secure Relationships: Surround yourself with people who show secure attachment. Simply observing and interacting with them can positively influence your own models.

Individual or Couples Therapy: A psychopractitioner can offer a safe space to explore your attachment patterns, understand their origins, and learn new strategies. Approaches like CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) or Schema Therapy (Young) are particularly effective in restructuring internal working models.

Analyze Your Conversations: Tools like analyze your conversations can help you step back from your exchanges, identify communication patterns, and understand how they impact your relationships.

Recent Studies and Perspectives

Attachment psychology research continues to evolve, with growing emphasis on the neurobiology of attachment and the impact of interventions. Studies conducted between 2022 and 2025 confirm not only the plasticity of adult attachment, but also explore the neural mechanisms underlying this transformation. It is increasingly clear that the human brain has a remarkable ability to reorganize (neuroplasticity) in response to new relational experiences and targeted therapeutic work.

This research reinforces the idea that we are not prisoners of our past. Corrective relational experiences, whether lived with a secure partner, a reliable friend, or a caring therapist, can literally "reprogram" our internal working models. The integration of mindfulness and emotional regulation techniques, often taught in CBT, is also recognized as a key factor in this evolution toward increased security.

Conclusion

The path to secure attachment is a personal journey, sometimes demanding, but always enriching. It is not about achieving perfection, but about progressing toward greater authenticity, better emotional regulation, and more fulfilling relationships. By regularly assessing the markers of this progress, you give yourself the means to take charge of your relational well-being.

Is your attachment evolving toward security? The answer lies in your ability to observe yourself, learn, and act. Feel free to explore available resources and seek support if you need it.

To learn more about attachment and therapeutic approaches, visit my practice: psychologieetserenite.com

Gildas Garrec, CBT psychopractitioner in Nantes