Emotional Intelligence: How to Develop It as an Adult

Sarah, 35 years old, a manager at a company in Nantes, regularly finds herself overwhelmed by her emotions at work. During an important meeting last week, she exploded at a colleague who questioned her project, then broke down in tears in her office. "I don't understand what's happening to me, Dr. Garrec," she confides during our first session in my Nantes office. "I feel like I can no longer control my emotional reactions."

I observe this situation daily in my clinical practice. Emotional intelligence is not a fixed capacity that we either have or don't have. It's a set of skills that develops throughout life, and particularly in adulthood when we become aware of our limitations.

In this article, we'll explore together the mechanisms of emotional intelligence and, most importantly, how you can develop it through scientifically validated therapeutic approaches that I use in my daily practice of cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT).

Understanding Emotional Intelligence: Beyond the Myth

What Exactly is Emotional Intelligence?

Emotional intelligence, a concept developed by Peter Salovey and John Mayer and popularized by Daniel Goleman, rests on four fundamental pillars that I observe daily in my clinical practice:

• Emotional self-awareness: recognizing and understanding your own emotions
• Emotional self-regulation: managing and modulating your emotional reactions
• Empathy: perceiving and understanding others' emotions
• Social skills: using emotional information to navigate relationships

The Neurobiological Mechanisms at Play

Contrary to common misconceptions, our emotional reactions are not solely controlled by our limbic system (the emotional brain). Research in neuroscience shows that the prefrontal cortex, the seat of our executive functions, can learn to modulate our emotional responses. It is precisely on this brain plasticity that the CBT techniques I use with my patients are based.

Take the example of Marc, 42 years old, who came to see me for explosive anger outbursts. Through cognitive restructuring techniques, we identified that his rage episodes were triggered by automatic thoughts such as "People are disrespecting me." By learning to identify these cognitive triggers, Marc was able to develop new emotional regulation strategies.

Assessing Your Current Level of Emotional Intelligence

Signs of Limited Emotional Intelligence

In my Nantes office, I regularly observe these patterns in people who consult to develop their emotional intelligence:

• Difficulty identifying precisely what they're feeling
• Emotional reactions disproportionate to situations
• Tendency to avoid emotionally charged situations
• Confusion regarding others' reactions
• Conflictual or superficial interpersonal relationships

The Importance of Self-Assessment

To develop your emotional intelligence, the first step is to honestly assess your current skills. I often recommend that my patients take our free psychological tests to gain an objective first understanding of their emotional functioning.

The assessment we conduct together at the beginning of therapy includes:

• An in-depth clinical interview to identify your emotional patterns
• Validated questionnaires measuring different aspects of emotional intelligence
• An analysis of recurring problematic situations in your daily life

"Emotional intelligence is not an innate talent but a set of skills that develop through practice and training, like a muscle that you progressively strengthen."

Developing Emotional Awareness: The Foundation

Precise Emotional Identification

The first skill to develop consists of identifying your emotions precisely. Many of my patients arrive at consultation simply stating: "I'm not doing well" or "I'm stressed." Yet behind these generic terms hide specific emotions that require different approaches.

Practical Exercise: The Emotional Journal

For one week, note three times per day:

• The emotion you're feeling (use precise vocabulary: worry, frustration, disappointment, etc.)


• Its intensity on a scale of 1 to 10


• The triggering context


• Your associated physical sensations

Mindful Awareness of Emotions

I regularly integrate mindfulness techniques into my CBT interventions. This approach, validated by numerous studies, allows you to develop non-judgmental observation of your emotional states.

Technique of Emotional Anchoring:

When an intense emotion arises, stop

Take three deep breaths

Notice the physical sensations associated with this emotion without trying to change them

Identify the thought or situation that triggered it

Ask yourself: "What is this emotion trying to tell me?"