How Codependent Are You? 25-Item Self-Assessment Inspired by Beattie

Codependency is a complex relational pattern in which self-esteem rests excessively on others' approval, often producing suffering and lopsided relationships. Understanding your level of codependency is the first step toward autonomy and healthier bonds. For a deeper, more personalized analysis, we invite you to explore our dedicated assessments.

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Quick answer

Codependency, often related to the framework described by Melody Beattie, is a relational pattern characterized by an excessive need of the other to feel one exists, difficulty setting limits, an intense fear of abandonment, and a tendency to prioritize others' needs over one's own. It is not an immutable personality trait, but a set of behaviors and thoughts that are learned and reinforced through experience, often rooted in childhood or insecure attachment patterns. Identifying these patterns is crucial to regaining balance and building healthier, more fulfilling relationships.

Self-assessment: evaluate your level of codependency

For each statement below, indicate how much it currently applies to you. Be honest with yourself; there are no right or wrong answers. Use the following scale:

* Never or very rarely: 0 points
* Sometimes: 1 point
* Often: 2 points
* Almost always or always: 3 points

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I feel incomplete or empty without a romantic relationship or a specific person in my life.

I struggle to make important decisions without someone else's approval or advice.

I regularly and willingly sacrifice myself for others' needs or desires, even when it costs me personally.

The fear of being abandoned or rejected is a constant concern for me.

My mood is strongly influenced by the opinion or emotional state of those close to me.

I find it difficult to express my own needs or desires, fearing I might bother or displease.

I feel responsible for the happiness, well-being, or problems of others.

I stay in unsatisfying or toxic relationships for fear of loneliness or not finding better.

I feel guilty when I say "no" or set limits.

I constantly seek to please others and obtain their validation.

I feel anxious or restless when I am alone for an extended period.

I justify or minimize loved ones' negative behavior to keep the peace.

I feel intense jealousy or possessiveness toward partners or close friends.

I believe my happiness depends entirely on the quality of my relationships.

I struggle to trust my own judgment and often doubt my abilities.

I feel devalued if I am not indispensable to others.

I feel threatened by the independence or success of those close to me.

I take criticism or remarks personally, even when they are constructive.

I have difficulty identifying my own emotions and expressing them in a healthy way.

I feel a compulsive need to control the people or situations around me.

I feel guilty when I take time for myself or pursue my own interests.

I fantasize about ideal relationships or about how others "should" be.

I feel responsible for solving others' problems, even when they don't ask.

I have low self-esteem that pushes me to constantly seek external recognition.

I find it hard to end a relationship, even when I know it isn't good for me.

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Your total: \_\_\_\_\_ / 75

Interpreting your self-assessment results

Add up the points you assigned for each statement. The total score will give you an indication of your current level of codependency.

* 0 to 25 points: Low tendency toward codependency.
You appear to have good emotional autonomy and solid self-esteem. You can maintain healthy, balanced relationships where your needs and others' are respected. You don't hesitate to set limits and express your opinions. It is always beneficial to keep cultivating this independence and strengthening your internal resources.

* 26 to 50 points: Moderate tendency toward codependency.
You show signs of codependency that may appear in some of your relationships or in specific situations. You may sometimes struggle to say no, to express your needs, or to manage the fear of abandonment. These patterns can cause a degree of stress or relational dissatisfaction. This is an excellent starting point for deeper exploration and personal work. Aaron T. Beck's work on cognitive distortions can help you identify the automatic thoughts that fuel these tendencies. Early maladaptive schemas described by Jeffrey Young, such as the "abandonment/instability schema" or the "self-sacrifice schema," may also be at play and worth examining.

* 51 to 75 points: High tendency toward codependency.
Your score indicates a strong presence of codependency patterns in your life. You may experience significant suffering in your relationships, low self-esteem, an intense fear of abandonment, and major difficulty asserting yourself. Your relationships are probably unbalanced, often leading you to exhaustion or frustration. These patterns likely have deep roots, potentially linked to insecure attachment styles developed in childhood, such as anxious or disorganized attachment, theorized by John Bowlby. The Experiences in Close Relationships scale (ECR-R) and its updates are relevant tools to understand these dynamics. The good news is that these patterns can be modified and effective strategies exist to build emotional autonomy.

It is important to note that this test is a self-assessment. Personality traits described by models such as the Big Five (openness, conscientiousness, extraversion, agreeableness, neuroticism) or DISC (Dominance, Influence, Steadiness, Compliance) can also interact with these dynamics, but codependency is above all a learned behavior and patterns of thought, rather than an innate trait.

What to do if you recognize yourself in codependency

Discovering that you show signs of codependency can be unsettling, but it is above all the first step toward change. Here are some paths to take action:

Recognition and acceptance: The first step is to accept that you have codependent behaviors. It is not a weakness, but a learned survival strategy that is no longer adapted.

Build self-esteem: Codependency is often tied to low self-esteem. Work on identifying your qualities, achievements, and values. Practice self-compassion. Strengthening self-esteem is an essential pillar of therapeutic work.

Learn to set limits: It is fundamental to learn to say "no" without guilt and to define what is acceptable or not in your relationships. It requires practice and courage, but it is essential to your well-being.

Identify your needs: Take time to connect with yourself to understand what you want, what you need, and what makes you happy. Codependent people have often lost contact with their own desires.

Manage the fear of abandonment: This fear is at the heart of codependency. It can be explored in therapy to understand its origins and develop strategies to manage it. Question the catastrophic thoughts associated with loneliness or rejection.

Develop your autonomy: Invest in activities, passions, and friendships that do not depend on your partner or a specific person. Build your own fulfilling life.

Seek professional support: If codependency significantly impacts your life and relationships, the help of a psychopractitioner is strongly recommended. In Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), we work on identifying and modifying the maladaptive thoughts and behaviors that fuel codependency. Schema Therapy, developed by Jeffrey Young, is also very effective in addressing the deep roots of these dynamics. The aim is to help you develop new strategies, strengthen self-esteem, and build more balanced and fulfilling relationships.

Remember that the path to emotional autonomy is a process that takes time and perseverance. Every small step counts.

For a deeper exploration of your relational patterns and communication, feel free to consult our resources:
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FAQ on codependency

Q: What is the difference between love and codependency?

A: Healthy love is a feeling of connection, mutual respect, autonomy, and support, where each person feels free to be themselves and to grow. Codependency, on the other hand, is characterized by an excessive need of the other to exist, a panicked fear of abandonment, emotional fusion, and often an imbalance in which one person sacrifices for the other or seeks to control the other for fear of losing them. Love enriches; codependency stifles.

Q: Can codependency be overcome?

A: Absolutely. Codependency is a set of learned thought patterns and behaviors. With awareness, personal work, and often professional help, it is entirely possible to overcome it and develop healthier, more fulfilling relationships. The process involves rebuilding self-esteem, learning to set limits, and developing emotional autonomy.

Q: How does codependency affect relationships?

A: Codependency leads to unbalanced and often toxic relationships. It can manifest as excessive jealousy, stifling possessiveness, recurring conflicts, attempts at control, or conversely, submission and self-sacrifice that lead to frustration and resentment. Relationships often become a playground for the fear of abandonment, the need for validation, and the inability to be alone, creating a vicious cycle of suffering for both parties.

Q: What are the signs of codependency in a child or adolescent?

A: In children or adolescents, codependency can manifest as intense separation anxiety, a constant need for reassurance from parents or friends, difficulty taking initiatives alone, excessive fear of peer judgment, a tendency to cling to an exclusive and fusional friendship, or great difficulty managing conflict or social rejection. These signs may reflect insecure attachment patterns that deserve particular attention to prevent difficulties in adulthood.

Q: How does CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) help treat codependency?

A: CBT is a very effective approach for codependency. It helps identify negative automatic thoughts and cognitive distortions (for example, "I am worthless without the other," "I will always be alone") that fuel codependency. The work then consists of questioning them and replacing them with more realistic and helpful thoughts. In parallel, CBT enables the development of new behaviors (asserting needs, setting limits, engaging in autonomous activities) and the strengthening of self-esteem, thus breaking the cycle of codependency.

Gildas Garrec, CBT psychopractitioner in Nantes