Denis Marquet: Loving to Infinity, Can CBT Free Your Love?

In brief: The question "what does it really mean to love?" structures Denis Marquet's approach, which distinguishes three levels of love: fusion (disguised need and emotional dependency), transactional exchange (conditional love), and unconditional love arising from inner fullness. CBT and ACT offer concrete paths to move from the first to the third level: inner security, distinction between biological attachment and conscious choice, then acting in love despite fear. Five practices emerge from the Marquet-CBT-Gottman crossing: total presence, active appreciation, recognizing one's projections, protective limits, and mutual freedom. For Marquet, this mature love opens a spiritual dimension that therapy leaves accessible without imposing, transforming an oscillating couple into a vehicle of conscious experience.

Step 3 — From the Psyche to Spirituality. We first dared our deep desires (article 1), then saw how this "I" meets the other in parenting (article 2). Now comes the question Denis Marquet treats in Loving to Infinity: what does it really mean to love? Beyond need, possession, fear of being alone — does a form of love exist that liberates instead of imprisoning? This question, philosophical and spiritual for Marquet, finds precise resonances in couples CBT and third-wave therapy.

The 3 loves according to Marquet

Marquet distinguishes three levels, which we find in the clinical literature under other names:

1. Fusion love (disguised need)

"I need you, without you I am nothing." This is the love that clings, demands, controls. In CBT, we call it emotional dependency: the other becomes an emotional prosthesis. Intense passion at the start, inevitable suffering after. Correlated with anxious attachment (Bowlby).

2. Exchange love (the hidden contract)

"I love you on condition that…" Love becomes transactional: I give, you give back. Bookkeeping sets in. When perceived balance breaks, the relationship deteriorates. This is the love of the contract-marriage that Gottman documents as vulnerable to separation.

3. Unconditional love (shared freedom)

The love that asks nothing in return, not because it is dispossessed of self, but because it arises from inner fullness. What Marquet names "loving to infinity." What positive psychology calls mature love (Fromm), what spirituality sometimes calls agape.

The clinical problem: how to move from level 1 to level 3

Most people oscillate between the first two levels. The third seems theoretical, distant. Yet CBT offers a concrete path:

Step A: work on inner security

You cannot love unconditionally from a lack. Individual psychotherapy often precedes the ability to love maturely. Work on your schemas of abandonment, incompetence, mistrust (Young). Build internal security that no longer depends on the other's presence.

Step B: distinguish attachment from love

Attachment is biological: it activates the same brain circuits as drug withdrawal. Love is a conscious choice. Don't confuse "I cannot live without you" (attachment) with "I choose your presence every day" (love).

Step C: desire without fear

Marquet insists: loving to infinity is not wanting nothing from the other. Desire is still there — desire for presence, sensuality, shared project. But it is no longer contaminated by the fear of losing. This emotional alchemy is the central object of advanced CBT.

The parallel with ACT

Steven Hayes, in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, proposes a surprisingly convergent vision:

• Clarify the value "unconditional love" as a direction (not goal)


• Defuse from anxious thoughts ("they will leave me")


• Accept the discomfort of relational uncertainty


• Commit to concrete love actions (presence, listening, attention) even when afraid

Loving to infinity in ACT is acting in the direction of love even when emotions say "flee" or "cling."

The 5 practices of conscious love

From the Marquet / CBT / Gottman crossing:

1. Total presence: listen without preparing your answer. 90% of conflicts come from a listening deficit. 2. Active appreciation: name each day something appreciated in the other. Not flatter — see. Gottman showed that a 5:1 ratio (5 positive interactions for 1 negative) predicts the couple's durability. 3. Non-projection: what you blame in the other is often your own shadow. CBT teaches you to recognize this mirror. 4. The protective framework: loving unconditionally does not mean accepting everything. Clear limits on violence, lies, contempt protect love. 5. Mutual freedom: each remains a complete person. Fusional = announced end. Close and free = lasting.

When couples therapy is necessary

Loving to infinity is an ideal. Most couples oscillate, regress, progress. CBT couples therapy is not a luxury, but a common tool when:

• Arguments turn in loop without resolution


• One or both feel alone in the couple


• Sexuality has died without understanding why


• Infidelity (real or fantasized) has appeared


• Gottman's 4 horsemen are present (criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling)

The bridge to spirituality

Marquet, philosopher, asks the question CBT often avoids: what if conscious love opened a spiritual dimension? Not religious in the institutional sense, but an experience of presence that goes beyond individual boundaries. Loving without expecting is experiencing a form of eternity in the instant.

This reading is not required of everyone. But for those sensitive to it, Marquet offers a bridge that CBT leaves open without exploring: mature love is already a spiritual path.

To remember

Loving to infinity is neither a natural gift nor a stroke of luck. It is a path. CBT offers the concrete steps; Marquet offers the vision that orients. One without the other remains incomplete: technique without meaning becomes mechanical, meaning without technique remains a pious wish.

If your relationship to love makes you suffer — invasive jealousy, dependency, repetition of the same stories, fear of loving — CBT support can lead you, step by step, from level 1 to level 3 that Marquet calls "loving to infinity."

FAQ

When do we really speak of this issue and not a simple habit?

Denis Marquet explores infinite love. The decisive criterion is not frequency but loss of control: you continue despite clear negative consequences and you are unable to stop despite a sincere intention to do so.

What treatments are most effective?

CBT is the gold standard treatment with meta-analyses showing moderate to large effect sizes. It combines the functional analysis of triggers, cognitive restructuring, and relapse prevention. For some dependencies, parallel medical support is advised.

Can one fully recover or is it always a lifelong management?

For behavioral addictions (video games, shopping, social networks), full remission with controlled use is possible. For substance dependencies, long-term management is often more realistic. In both cases, CBT tools learned in therapy remain available to prevent and manage relapses.