Stop Fighting, Start Understanding: 4 Steps

"You never listen to me." "You only think about yourself." "It's always the same with you." You've probably said or heard these phrases dozens of times. And each time, the result is identical: the discussion escalates, défenses go up, and nothing gets resolved.

The problem isn't what you're trying to say — it's how you're saying it. And Nonviolent Communication (NVC), developed by American psychologist Marshall Rosenberg in the 1960s, offers a remarkably simple and effective framework for transforming how couples speak to each other.

As a CBT psychotherapist in Nantes, I use NVC daily in my work with couples. Not as a magic wand, but as a structuring tool that allows you to say difficult things without starting a war.

Rosenberg's Insight: We Speak in Judgments

"Jackal language" and "Giraffe language"

Rosenberg used an animal metaphor to illustrate two modes of communication. "Jackal language" — the language we use by default — is a language of judgment, criticism, evaluation, and demand. "Giraffe language" — the language of NVC — is a language of observation, feeling, need, and request.

Why "giraffe"? Because the giraffe is the land animal with the largest heart — and because it sees from above, with perspective.

Jackal language (judgment): "You're selfish. You never think about me. You come home whenever you want without even letting me know." Giraffe language (NVC): "When you come home at 9 p.m. without having told me, I feel worried and a bit lonely, because I need to know that you're thinking of me. Could you send me a message when you know you'll be home late?"

The difference is radical: jackal language attacks, giraffe language informs. One triggers defensiveness (one of Gottman's 4 horsemen most destructive behaviors), the other invites empathy.

Why We Speak in "Jackal" by Default

Judgment language isn't a conscious choice — it's a learned automatic response.

From childhood, we've been exposed to a mode of communication based on moral evaluations: "You're being good," "You're being naughty," "That's nice," "That's bad." This pattern is so deeply ingrained that we unconsciously apply it in our adult relationships.

Moreover, the brain in a state of frustration or anger favors cognitive shortcuts — cognitive distortions like overgeneralization ("you always") or mind-reading ("you don't care") — which naturally express themselves in jackal language.

NVC is an exercise in clarity: it requires slowing down, asking yourself what you're really feeling, what you really need, and formulating it with precision.

Key takeaway: Nonviolent Communication doesn't aim to be "nice" or avoid difficult topics. It aims to tell the truth — but a truth formulated in a way that's heard rather than rejected.

The 4 OSBD Steps: The Heart of the Method

Step 1: Observation — Describe the Facts, Just the Facts

The first step is to describe the situation in a factual and neutral way, without judgment, interpretation, or evaluation. It's the most difficult step, because our brain automatically mixes facts and interpretations.

What is an observation:

– "Tonight, you didn't reply to my message for 4 hours"

– "You looked at your phone while I was telling you about my day"

– "We haven't spent an evening together for three weekends now"

What is NOT an observation (it's a judgment):

– "You're ignoring me" (interpretation)

– "You don't care about me" (mind-reading)

– "You prefer your phone to me" (judgment)

The exercise: Take a recent situation in your relationship that frustrated you. Describe it in one sentence that contains no frequency adverbs ("always," "never"), no descriptive adjectives about the person, and no interpretation. Only what a camera would have filmed.

Step 2: Feeling — Name the Émotion, Not the Judgment

The second step is to express what you feel about this situation. Watch out for the classic trap: many sentences beginning with "I feel" don't describe a feeling, but a disguised judgment.

Real feelings:

– "I feel sad"

– "I feel worried"

– "I feel lonely"

– "I feel frustrated"

– "I'm afraid"

Fake feelings (disguised judgments):

– "I feel abandoned" (implies the other person is abandoning me)

– "I feel betrayed" (implies the other person is betraying me)

– "I feel manipulated" (implies the other person is manipulating me)

– "I feel disrespected" (implies the other person doesn't respect me)

The difference is subtle but fundamental. "I feel sad" speaks about me. "I feel abandoned" speaks about the other — and triggers defensiveness.

Basic emotional vocabulary for couples:

When a need is met
When a need is not met

Content, peaceful, touched
Sad, disappointed, frustrated

Reassured, calm, confident
Worried, anxious, tense

Grateful, moved, enthusiastic
Angry, irritated, annoyed

Close, connected, loved
Alone, distant, invisible

Step 3: Need — Identify What's Missing

Behind every émotion lies an unmet need. The third step is to identify this need — which is universal and legitimate — instead of formulating an accusation.

Fundamental needs in a relationship:

• Security: Knowing the relationship is solid and the other person won't leave
• Connection: Feeling emotionally close, sharing intimacy
• Recognition: Feeling that your efforts, qualities, and worth are seen
• Autonomy: Having personal space, not feeling suffocated
• Consideration: Knowing your opinions and needs matter
• Trust: Being able to rely on the other's word and actions
• Affection: Receiving signs of physical and verbal affection

Example of translating accusation into need:

Accusation (jackal)
Need (giraffe)

"You never pay attention to me"
Need for consideration and connection

"You spend your life on your phone"
Need for presence and attention

"You control me"
Need for autonomy and trust

"You never tell me you love me"
Need for reassurance and affection

Step 4: Request — Formulate a Concrete Action

The final step transforms the need into a concrete, achievable, positive, and negotiable request.

Concrete: Not "be more attentive" (vague) but "spend 10 minutes asking me about my day when you get home" (specific). Achievable: Not "never look at your phone again" (impossible) but "put your phone away during dinner" (doable). Positive: Formulated as an action to do, not an action to stop. Not "stop ignoring me" but "look at me when I'm speaking to you." Negotiable: It's not an order. It's an invitation. If the other person says no, it's the beginning of a dialogue, not proof they don't love you.

Key takeaway: The request is the most often forgotten step. Without it, expressing a need remains a statement — potentially touching, but leading nowhere concrete. The request transforms vulnerability into action.

5 Complete NVC Dialogue Examples

Example 1: The Phone at Dinner

Jackal version: "You're addicted to your phone, it's unbearable. We can never have a normal conversation with you." NVC version: "Tonight at dinner, you checked your phone five or six times while we were eating [observation].

I felt a bit sad and distant [feeling], because dinner is a time when I need to feel connected to you [need]. Would you be okay with putting our phones in another room during meals? [request]"

Example 2: The Unplanned Late Arrival

Jackal version: "You never tell me when you're coming home late! You completely don't care how I feel!" NVC version: "Last night, you came home at 10 p.m. when I was expecting you at 7 p.m., and I didn't get a message [observation].

I was worried, and then angry [feeling], because I need to know you're safe and that you're thinking to let me know [need]. Next time you know you'll be home later, could you send me a text? [request]"

Example 3: Household Chores

Jackal version: "I do everything in this house while you lounge around on the couch." NVC version: "This week, I did the shopping, cooking, and cleaning alone [observation]. I feel tired and a bit frustrated [feeling], because I need the household tasks to be shared so I don't wear myself out [need]. Could we divide up the chores for the week on Sunday evenings? [request]"

Example 4: Jealousy

Jackal version: "Who's this girl liking all your posts? Do you think I don't see what's going on?" NVC version: "I noticed this person comments often on your photos [observation]. I felt anxious [feeling], because I need to feel secure in our relationship [need]. Could you tell me who they are, just to reassure me? [request]"

For people whose jealousy is a recurring pattern, NVC is a valuable tool that replaces interrogation with dialogue.

Example 5: Lack of Affection

Jackal version: "You don't touch me anymore. It feels like we're just roommates. Don't you love me anymore?" NVC version: "For the past two weeks, we haven't hugged or kissed except at bedtime [observation]. I feel a bit lonely and sad [feeling], because I need physical affection to feel loved [need].

Could we take 5 minutes in the evening to hold each other, just to reconnect? [request]"

Common NVC Mistakes (and How to Avoid Them)

Mistake #1: The Fake "I feel" That Still Accuses

"I feel like you're selfish" isn't NVC — it's a judgment with "I feel" in front. The test: if you can replace "I feel" with "I think," it's a judgment, not a feeling.

Mistake #2: The Disguised Demand as a Request

"Could you stop being such a failure?" isn't a request — it's an insult with a question mark. The NVC request is specific, positive, and respectful.

Mistake #3: Using NVC as a Weapon

Some people use NVC to express reproaches in a "politically correct" way while maintaining the intention to hurt. The partner feels it immediately. NVC is only effective if the intention behind it is sincère — if you truly want to be heard, not win the argument.

Mistake #4: Forgetting to Listen in NVC Too

NVC isn't only for speaking — it's also for listening. When your partner expresses themselves (even in "jackal" language), you can mentally translate: "What are they observing? What are they feeling? What do they need? What request is hidden behind this reproach?"

This empathetic listening disarms conflict far more effectively than any clever comeback.

Mistake #5: Wanting to Be Perfect Immediately

NVC is a learning process. No one masters it right away. You'll slip back into judgment, forget to express a need, make a demand instead of a request. It's normal. What matters is noticing it and reformulating: "Sorry, what I meant to say is…"

Key takeaway: NVC is an exercise in clarity before it's an exercise in communication. It requires you to know what you're feeling and what you need — which for many of us is a real challenge in itself. Also read: Take our emotional intelligence test — free, anonymous, instant results.

NVC in Daily Life: 4-Week Practice Plan

Week 1: Pure Observations

Exercise: For one week, practice describing situations without judgment. Each evening, note 3 situations from your day in "camera mode" (only observable facts).

Week 2: Émotional Vocabulary

Exercise: When an émotion arises, name it internally. Not "this sucks" but "I feel frustrated." Not "he/she annoys me" but "I feel anger." Keep a mini-emotional journal (3 lines per day).

Week 3: Translating Reproaches Into Needs

Exercise: For each reproach you think or say, ask yourself "what unmet need is hidden behind this?" Practice mentally reformulating before speaking.

Week 4: All 4 Steps Together

Exercise: During a tense situation with your partner, apply the 4 OSBD steps. Start with a low-intensity situation. If the wording doesn't come naturally, write it down before saying it aloud — this is a perfectly acceptable aid at the beginning.

NVC and Couple Therapy: A Powerful Synergy

Nonviolent Communication is a central tool in the CBT approach to couples. It integrates naturally with:

• Gottman's model: NVC is the direct antidote to criticism (first horseman) and a powerful tool against defensiveness. To understand the other horsemen, see our article on Gottman's 4 horsemen.
• Managing the silent treatment: NVC gives a language to the partner who shuts down, making communication possible even during tense moments.
• Working on attachment: For people with an anxious attachment style, NVC structures the expression of needs without slipping into complaint or accusation.
• Cognitive restructuring: NVC forces you to separate facts from interpretations — an exercise directly drawn from CBT.

When NVC Isn't Enough

NVC is a remarkable tool, but it has its limits:

• When violence is present: NVC assumes minimal respect between both partners. In situations of violence (physical or psychological), safety is the priority, not communication.
• When contempt is deeply established: If your partner despises you, your NVC efforts probably won't be heard. Therapeutic work is necessary first.
• When a need is non-negotiable: Some needs aren't requests (fidelity, respect, safety). NVC can express them, but not turn them into compromises.
• When one partner isn't engaged: NVC works best when both partners invest in it. If you're the only one making this effort, results will be limited — but not zero. Changing your own communication style modifies the couple's dynamic, even unilaterally.

As a CBT psychotherapist in Nantes, I teach NVC both in individual consultations and in couple sessions. Learning in session allows real-time guidance: I can help you rephrase your sentences, identify your real needs, and navigate moments when the discussion derails despite your efforts.

If communication in your relationship has become a source of pain rather than connection, NVC offers a structured path toward authentic and respectful dialogue.

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Would you like to learn Nonviolent Communication to transform your couple's exchanges? As a CBT psychotherapist in Nantes, I guide you through this learning with concrete exercises and personalized support. Contact me for a first appointment.

Also Read

• Couple Communication: Complete Guide to Finally Understanding Each Other (Gottman, NVC, CBT)
• Gottman's 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse: The Behaviors That Kill Your Relationship
• The Silent Treatment in Relationships: Understanding and Breaking Stonewalling
• Do I Need a Therapist? 10 Signs That Don't Lie

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